I never did describe why I ended up taking the part-time postdoc – something that anyone in their right mind wouldn’t take, but an endless job search does things to people, and I was still thinking I wanted to be in academia.
So here goes..
I took it because the person who offered it to me was someone that I admired academically. I essentially stalked their research during my PhD and was very much “in love” with them in the most platonically academically way possible. You know, the usual nonsense; I went to all of their public seminars/talks – I was the eager person in the front row, notebook and pen at the ready, barely blinking as they presented their work., and afterwards I would go and speak to them, shake their hand and thank them for an amazing talk. I was in utter awe of them. I was inexplicably floored to have
a) ever have been called to their department to interview with them a year before they called me for a part-time stint
b) made enough of an impression at interview to even be remembered by them to be offered said part-time stint! – I do know that I totally fan-girled at them during interview however, urgh..
Anyway.
The first year went by pretty well, I was getting some decent data and my supervisor was very pleased with the way that I was working. I would go above and beyond my contract – as all us postdocs do – and I was getting some decent recognition for my work. I mean a patent for the work is pretty good (my supervisor refused to put my name on it), but for me it was getting awards for my work at international conferences and getting recognised for all the effort I was putting in.
The second year was where the “issues” started.
I’ve explained in a previous post (Job Search and Postdoc) that I noted that the person who got the job over all other candidates was not fit for purpose. I learned that as soon as I got there. But their existence wasn’t my concern.
My supervisor started to get overtly short and critical with me. At networking opportunities at conferences they would tell people I insidiously sneaked my way into their research group and volunteered my way in.
How dare you, I just won you an award for your lab! Also, I would never and did never work for anyone for free, let alone my supervisor.
At another point I thought I was being a diligent worker and showing initiative by writing an entire manuscript for a paper for the work that wasn’t the main focus of the research, but was what I thought a great publication. When I took the manuscript to my supervisor, instead of some critical feedback, I was told I was making them look stupid. The exact words being, “what are you trying to do? Are you trying to make me look stupid?”. This was awkward and embarrassing for me as they came out with this in an open plan office where not only people from the rest of the lab, but from the rest of the department could hear. I immediately shut down the idea of pursuing the paper further, but I did take note before I left my postdoc that the exact same paper topic was being taken forward with a group we were collaborating with, just without me included as an author.
Mid-way through the second year, at a career review meeting I was told that I was to look for roles in different universities. Fair enough. I was then told that there was money in the lab, but the money wasn’t for me. That felt a bit mean, it could have been left at the first sentence, but, ok, also taken on the chin.
I then took this as an opportunity to see this as free reign to apply for all and any calls for funding for Fellowships or other postdocs that came out from that point forward.
I had made a promise to myself that I would not do more than one postdoc. If I wasn’t moving up, then I was moving out. I already had experience of industry and I thought it was fun, so it was a great back up plan for me.
So I applied for a Fellowship call that came out from a Research Council that I thought I was ideal for. I um’d and ah’d about it for ages and then told my super that there is this call that I am sending an expression of interest for, seeing as my contract will roll to an end anyway, it would be a shame to not give it a go while I’m under contract.
The issues then began escalating from there.
Remember that person who I told you about re: had the job over any other candidate? Well they were being actively supported to apply for the same fellowship. Our supervisors were the same. They would have round after round of meetings to talk about their application – I was told my super was “too busy” or “didn’t have the time” to look at my application. Bear in mind this was just EOI stage.
I got through. They didn’t.
I would work on the first-stage application after a day of lab work, so that the work that I was contracted to do wasn’t suffering. I worked from about 7am til 10pm just to ensure everything was getting my attention. But my super still wouldn’t give me any time. A very much closed-door policy.
Thankfully the university had an internal member of staff that was trained to give advice on the fellowship applications, and this person happened to be someone who used to work for the funding council that I was applying to. I took their advice and sent off my first-stage application.
I got invited to apply for a full application. I was excited.
Oddly, my supervisor then began to take interest in my application. They would give me “advice” (I’ll come back to the reason for the speech marks in a moment) which I, again very naively, would take. This would range from completely changing the text of my project description/motivation, to telling me what I could/could not include in my justification for funding. I thought they had a change of mind/heart and were willing to do the professional thing.
Turns out the opposite.
They were giving me the wrong advice. They would make me take out chunks of writing that I would include, after which I would send to the person whose job it was to help people to apply for fellowships. I would get asked to put the text back in by them because it was a crucial part of my application. Red flag 1.
My supervisor would discuss my application at lunch around other members of the lab, saying that she would be “really, REALLY embarrassed if the university let an application like mine be submitted. Really, REALLY embarrassed.” This was said in front of the person whose application didn’t even make it past the EOI stage. Red flag 2.
At another point my supervisor told me my application would be outright rejected because I “wasn’t allowed” to apply for funding for a postdoc for my lab. I called the office where they were handling applications and asked them to withdraw a section of my application where I had requested for a postdoc to hire for my team, because I wasn’t allowed to and that I didn’t want my application to be rejected outright. I was told by that office, that what I had been told wasn’t true and that I should keep my application as it was. Red flag 3.
At one stage my application was thrown back in my face by my supervisor who asked me why I kept putting sections in they had asked me to remove. I said it was because I felt it was crucial to my application and so did the advisor. At which stage supervisor snapped at me, “if you’re not going to take my advice, I won’t look at your application!”. Not so much a flag, but a huge warning alarm.
They would bad-mouth me to the HoD, saying that they didn’t think I would be committed to the university – I overheard them as they didn’t think I would come in to the office as early as I did. I did confront them at this point though. I’ve never seen anyone turn so red so quickly before.
Towards the submission deadline my supervisor would actively block me speaking with my then HoD. Saying that they were extremely busy and that they wouldn’t even give much feedback on my application anyway, and that they would tell me when I should go and see them. Regardless of all the issues before, I took this as them knowing the HoD better than me and stayed away.
A week before the deadline I plucked up the confidence to see the HoD myself because I had worked over the winter break to work on this application and that I needed them to sign it off. They told me they wouldn’t because they have a policy of at least 6 weeks ahead of the deadline, to allow them to review all applications. I was close to tears! So many months of hard work set to be ruined! I explained that I stayed away because my supervisor told me to, and that my super didn’t allow me to approach the HoD until they said so. The HoD then agreed to look at my application over their weekend, with very minor input due to the lack of time and they signed off and wished me luck.
I managed to submit just in time, after which I emailed notifying my supervisor that I had done so. I got no response from them. At all. And they stopped speaking to me completely after that.
So it was pretty clear that my application wasn’t of interest to my supervisor. They were trying to ruin my chances. Which is odd, since they didn’t want to keep me on as part of their team anyway, but then they also didn’t want me to be able to get something for myself so I didn’t have to be their problem anymore either? Did not compute.
Regardless of all this, I got through to the next stage and was invited to interviews.
I was really excited and ran to tell my supervisor this, to which I got no response. Weird that even after all the bullshit I had to deal with, I still ran to them to tell them my good news.
They weren’t interested.
The advisor for fellowship applicants helped me prepare for the interview and gave some every useful advice. But did stress that having the supervisor’s support was imperative and that they would be able to give you the extra push needed.
I didn’t get that.
I wasn’t allowed any time to prepare for interviews and so took some annual leave to try and clear my head and day of anything else. Went and did the interview (seven panel of Professors from various universities! Very scary, but it went extremely well) and then returned to work. I came back to a very angry looking supervisor who told me that since I took leave for the interview, I was to work full time even though by this stage I was being paid part-time. – My contract had lapsed just after I applied for the fellowship, but the university I was at has a policy to support members of staff by giving them a zero hours contract while they wait to hear back. There was a slush fund in the department that allowed me to be paid part-time to give me something meaningful to do. – So I worked full time for part-time pay for about 3 months, until I got the outcome of my application.
I was successful in my application. I was awarded just under a £million for my first very fellowship application from a prestigious research council! And I did it all by myself!
This was probably the best outcome for me back then! I (again!) ran to tell my supervisor, all I got from them was, “I know”. After I had called my parents and told my boyfriend (now he’s my husband), my supervisor called me into their office and asked me to close the door. They said, “not to take anything away from you, but your fellowship isn’t *that* prestigious”.
Ok, wow. What am I meant to do with that? First of all, it’s a huge deal! The money is just under a £million being brought in to the department by a first-time applicant (I’ve been told the average is at least six applications before any kind of success). Second, it’s from a huge Research Council – it’s extremely prestigious! Third, the VC of the university wanted to speak to me and congratulated me herself! Finally, even if it wasn’t all of those things, why would it be ok to say something like that to someone?!
I was glad my HoD personally called me to congratulate me and told me that this was a very prestigious fellowship. I told them that I thought that was weird considering my supervisor said that it wasn’t. They said they would speak with my now ex-supervisor regarding their comments over this and that that shouldn’t have happened.
Too late. It already did.
So two years after meeting my so-called academic hero, I had seen them for what they were and they no longer were the amazing all-doing academic I thought they were. It’s a cliche, but I guess it’s right: Never meet your heroes.
Love & Laissez-Faire x