I think I’ve mentioned before that I have a PhD. I’m your local Loud & Proud Nerd and I have no problem with people knowing this. I own it with pride, because I earned it.
I hated the process of doing a PhD. Six weeks into starting it I realised I made a terrible mistake. My “supervisor” effectively abandoned me, she thought I was smothering her by asking for fortnightly update meetings, and essentially wasn’t interested in my project. But I wasn’t in a position to back out of it, so I the only thing I had left to do was to get through it.
3 years of long (13+ hours) weekdays, working weekends, bank holidays, not seeing family or friends, and not talking to anyone (the department I was working in, I would go a whole week and say only two phrases all week: “Morning!” and “Bye!”.) The people in that department were personality voids. I’ve heard that science people can be introverted, but this was something else entirely.
Towards the end of my PhD, my supervisor wasn’t even aware of when my viva was. She emailed my internal examiner AFTER I was awarded my PhD, asking her if she knew when my viva was. That’s how involved she was with my PhD.
She ruined my chances of getting a 3 year funded postdoc with a biotech company I found, approached and impressed enough to agree to fund my postdoc. Because she was my formal supervisor at that time, she had to sign it off. I organised a lunch meeting with the company reps and my supervisor. They travelled for hours to come to my city to sign off. She decided to not only not come, but switched off her phone so it just rang out when I called her, gave me no reason as to why she didn’t come, and didn’t get in touch with the company after the fact.
Safe to say I was miserable at the end of my PhD, with a job so close to getting it could have made my career. She ruined all my hard work. I was depressed, gained a shit ton of weight over the last 3 years, was unemployed for an entire year. I was interviewing back to back for vacancies, only to be told it had gone to someone else, or that I was very close but no.
With things feeling so out of control, the only thing I felt I could control was what I ate. So I stopped eating properly. I ate lettuce, tomatoes and maybe a spoonful of beans. I did not allow myself to eat any bread, dairy, or fats of any kind. I exercised intensely in excess of 3 or 4 hours a day and drank a lot of water to bulk out my stomach and black coffee to stop feeling tired. VERY unhealthy and I got very thin very quickly in a very unhealthy way. I had to reintroduce bread back into my diet, one morsel at a time because I was scared of dying and scared of gaining weight too. I had an eating disorder growing up, so I’ve always had a funny relationship with food, so this was a very easy thing to slip back in to for me.
Then I found a job outside of academia. The pay was shit and it was part-time, but it was a job and a foot in the door. The guy who hired me although a little dubious of me, hired me without a reference (because I told him I had issues with my PhD supervisor, which is a huge no no by the sounds of all those employability websites). He gave me a chance and although it wasn’t my dream job, it got me out of bed 3 days a week.
One month later I get called by a university I interviewed with 6 months prior. They liked me enough to want to offer me a 6 month part-time (initially) job. I took it because I needed the money and the change of pace and scenery. That took me onto a 2 year full time postdoc. I did quite well (got my supervisor a patent) and I enjoyed the work I was doing.
Then my supervisor decided she didn’t want to keep me on any more. So I managed to get my own money through a Research Council. I was a first-time applicant and was awarded a fellowship. I was quite proud, but my supervisor wasn’t so impressed.
It was a 3 year fellowship and I had a tough time trying to work when people in that organisation actively sabotaged the work I was doing. My then supervisor got promoted to Head of Department and that’s when the real bullying started. My students and staff were bullied, left out and made to feel generally not welcome in the department. Overt criticism was dished out to my team at meetings where presentations were being carried out.
This was my PhD situation all over again.
There is something about academia that is not made for people who want to do genuine science.
Pardon the fact that I won’t blow you off for a promotion or sleep with you because you could put in a good word for me. I won’t overlook your bad science, crazy wild ethics misdemeanours and blatant lack of meritocracy. I have seen and heard people being TOLD, “you did poorly at that interview, but you were promised the role before it went out to advert, so it’s yours anyway.”
It explained the countless interviews I did at various universities for jobs I knew I was more than qualified for, that I could do in my sleep, only to be told someone else more closely fit the role. Who could it be other than a person you refused to name on the grant application when it was submitted?
These organisations interview people because they HAVE to, it’s a legal requirement. There is always someone in the background who has been promised the position. Some job descriptions are so strangely specific, short of nameing the person, or displaying their genetic code, you can tell it’s FOR someone already.
It’s a crying shame that countless people go for these sham interviews, that they’re never in the running for. I have been for plenty – only to realise they were scouting for ideas, or fulfilling a legal requirement.
When I started my part-time postdoc, I did meet the person who’s role I interviewed for who got the job over me. They were easily the worst person for the job. Forgetting the postgraduate degree for a moment, they didn’t even have an undergraduate degree in a fundamental science. They are unequivocally supported by the HoD, even now, contract after contract to keep them in employment, disregarding the fact that a non-scientist is doing science. Poorly, but still.
What, then, made them better suited to the role over my qualifications?
A promise that needed to be fulfilled by their, then also my, supervisor.
Academia and all the trolls in it: You suck.
Love & Laissez-faire x